Running Away vs. Moving on

Sometimes it's hard to know the difference.

It's been a really rough week.

I ended things with Gold Chain, as I found that I was thinking about it too much and the analysis wasn't exactly making me happy. Maybe given the run-around I gave him I should have seen this time period as penance, but perhaps wasn't as patient in that respect as I should be. I wrote him an e-mail saying I couldn't do this grey area mix of the friendship and the sexual, and have yet to hear back. I feel surprisingly OK about it, but just a tad bit lonely. At least I put myself out there, felt something real and was honest about it. Progress, right?

I've also semi-decided that I'm not even going to attempt to get out there again until I finish the entire book "The Guide to Getting It On." This book is amazing, I learn something new every time I pick it up. It's also like 800 pages, so I don't think getting out there again will be immediate. I'm not sure if this is what Barleycorn meant when he said I should stay in and read more...

Also, ending things with someone I thought was a really good friend is kind of rough. She turned out to be a pathological liar and once she was caught in it, decided to run rather than deal with it. I also lent her a substantial amount of money, and when the check she wrote to pay me back bounced this week, it was somewhat of a scramble trying to find the money to put in my account so my OWN check to my landlord didn't bounce. She was interestingly, but perhaps not surprisingly, unapologetic and unconcerned about the fact that she landed me in such a precarious financial situation. Kind of rough when you spend the months you know someone worrying about them, and when the situation is reversed they cut and run. It's definitely taught me something about the occasional naivete of my trust in people.

Cut to last night -- it's been a rough week, everyone says they're meeting at a bar around 11. I show up, and turns out they all met up earlier and went to another bar, but didn't think to invite me. Meanwhile I've been at my apartment waiting for it to be time to go out, feeling pretty stir-crazy. My friend, who we'll call the Blonde because I'm too lazy to think of a name, corners me to say that she thinks everyone else is going to bail, but she's really tired. If I stick around, will I drive her home? I say yes, even though she lives uptown and I live close enough that walking to the bar would have been feasible.

I get another beer. As predicted, the rest of our friends decide to go to the bar down the street. At the LAST minute, as they're about to walk out the door, Blonde says "Yeaaaaaaaaah, I guess I'll go too." I'm a little taken-aback given she begged me to stay, but say "Alright - well stick around for 5 minutes and we'll finish our drinks and go."

"No," she says - "I'm just going to go with them." And they all turn around and leave, leaving me by myself at a bar where I now know no one. No one particuarly likes being abandoned, especially when it kind of feels like being discarded - like no one appreciates your company enough to wait for you to come. I finish my beer, and walk to the bar down the street, only to find that they aren't there either. One of my friends, we'll call her Biker Girl, says "Oh, they went to the bar near Blonde's house." Of course.

I send her a text: "Seriously? Next time don't ask me to give you a ride only to leave me alone at the bar and then not even be at the bar you said you were going to." I'm expecting some sort of apology, but instead I get "I'm sorry you're mad but I'm not going to apologize for doing what I want. You'll just have to get over it."

THIS is why I'm not usually friends with girls. Between catty experiences in middle school (flashbacks to which probably made me more upset last night than I usually would be), and catty experiences at an all-girls high school, I had pretty much decided that I would try to foster friendships with guys instead of girls. There's less passive-aggressiveness. Again, maybe it's gender roles, but there's more of a protective nature. Leaving you at a bar with nothing more than a fleeting thought? Not going to happen.

But when one of my best friends decided that her friends were going to be my friends, I thought it was a great idea. And it seemingly was. But I don't particularly need friends with a philosophy on friendship that can be summed up as "fuck you, I do what I want."

I don't know - this week alone, there are less and less things that are keeping me here. Good friends? (for the most part) Flakes that would seemingly abandon me if it were convenient. Potential boyfriends? Not seein it. I potentially have a job starting Monday, but that'll only keep me interested for so long.

I've decided, as long as it still makes sense, I'm applying to USAID in July when my Master's is official. It's funny, things that scared me (such as, I don't know, spending every 2 years in a different country for my entire career) are now looking REALLY good, refreshing. I'm sick of the bullshit, I'm sick of the shortsightedness, and I'm sick of the pettiness. I just need to get to the point where it's moving towards an amazing experience, instead of running away from all the bullshit that pisses me off about my current situation.

I've got a few months, hopefully I'll get there.